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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25318696">Toy Solders</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MLPMI6/pseuds/MLPMI6'>MLPMI6</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tests of Time [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who &amp; Related Fandoms, Marianas Trench (Band), Social Code (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adoption, Agender Character, Autism, Bipolar Disorder, Concerts, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, LGBTQ Themes, Music, Other, POV Alternating, POV First Person, POV Original Character, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm, Writer's Block</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:07:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,056</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25318696</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MLPMI6/pseuds/MLPMI6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rebuilding relationships is difficult, especially when both sides have mental health issues to deal with. It doesn't help that Nadia was recently adopted by someone Josh knew, at one point. Now Josh has to deal with a growing depression and figure out if it's the fear of losing his sister, or the strange return of his dysmorphia.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Josh Ramsay &amp; Nadia Smith(OC), Josh Ramsay/ Travis Nesbitt, Josh Ramsay/Matt Webb</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tests of Time [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1524572</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been three years since I had learned about my heritage, my true nature, and my family. Now I was on tour for our new album acting basically like nothing had happened, or at least I wanted to believe nothing had changed. But it had, everything had changed and it was hard to think about without getting emotional.</p><p>Pulling myself from the hotel bed I pulled on my coat and headed out into the hall. I couldn't sleep, and I sure as hell didn't want to be cooped up in the small hotel room. Running a hand through my hair I offered the receptionist a kind smile as I headed into the crisp autumn air. Taking a deep breath I quickly chose a direction and started walking. I knew my way around Toronto well enough, so I really wasn't worried about getting lost.</p><p><em>'She's in Cardiff now.'</em> I thought, taking a deep breath. <em>'Won't get to see her that often, it's strange missing someone I still hardly know.'</em></p><p>Of course, I knew Nadia. We had bonded the past two years. I just didn't know her that well, not really anyways. I hated that, I wanted to be close with Nadia it was just hard. I didn't know fully how to talk to her, and she had a habit of going non-verbal.</p><p><em>'I should relearn sign language.' </em>Chucking I turned, pausing as I waited for the light in front of me to change. Recently my abilities had been returning, including the interesting ability to understand languages. At first, it had been simple phrases, but as time went on I realized, I just naturally was hiding conversations in different languages.</p><p>Jogging across the street I took a deep breath, heading towards the lakefront. Despite the slight chill, it was genuinely nice out and the smell of the water was a welcome one. Heading forward I paused as my phone started ringing.</p><p>"Hello?"</p><p>"Josh where the fuck are you man? I got up to take a piss and you were gone." Matt asked, concern in his voice. "Are you okay?"</p><p>"Yeah, I just needed to think. I'm near the lakefront, don't worry okay?"</p><p>"Josh it's four in the morning, the suns going to come up soon. Please tell me you at least got some sleep last night."</p><p>"I had a nap, but I'm awake Matt. No changing that." I admitted, struggling as I returned to my walk. "But I can start heading back that way if you want. Maybe you could meet me at Alai's and we could have breakfast?"</p><p>Matt sighed softly before chuckling. I could tell he was still concerned, but that he knew the air was good for me. After a moment he made up his mind. "The one on fourth?"</p><p>"That's the only one I know of." I teased, turning towards the street. "It opens at seven, so we'll probably get there right on time."</p><p>"Alright, Josh. You want a change of shirts?"</p><p>"I'm good, not going to fast and the winds keeping me from getting too hot," I responded, chuckling as I winked. "I just winked like you could see me."</p><p>"Don't worry about it," Matt said chuckling softly before having up.</p>
<hr/><p>Making my way to the restaurant I smiled as Matt claimed out of a cab, pulling me into a hug. Chuckling softly I held him close for a moment before heading to the door. There was only one thing that could make the date better, Travis. Unfortunately, he was on tour in California, so that wasn't exactly possible. Shrugging I happily sat at a table, accepting a menu as Matt sat across from me. I got tea, he got coffee. It actually wasn't long before we had ordered as well, I got an omelette with toast and he got a Bakken breakfast.</p><p>"It's been a while hasn't it?" He whispered, gently squeezing my hand. "A proper date, who would have thought it possible."</p><p>"Oh shut up." I chuckled, smiling brightly. "We should do this more often though, it's not like we cant."</p><p>Nodding Matt thanked the waitress as she handed us our food. Eating a few bites I sighed. I still couldn't get my sister out of my head.</p><p>"What's bugging you?"</p><p>"Nadia. I just... Self-conscious for some reason." I admitted with a small shrug. "She is a bit of an enigma to me."</p><p>"Don't worry too much Jay, you'll figure it out." Matt smiled, taking a bite of toast. "Now why don't you focus on eating okay?"</p><p>Nodding I quietly enjoyed the rest of our date. I always did prefer just enjoying peoples company when we ate, and I could tell that Matt was the same, at least for dating purposes. Finishing my food I stretched my back, paying quietly as Matt stacked out plates.  Following him out of the restaurant I nodded for him to follow. It was still early, and we would have more than enough time for a shower before we had to get moving if we walked.</p><p>The sun felt nice on my neck as I checked the time. Nine, if we were lucky then my second favourite place would be open. Grabbing Matt's hand I pulled him past our turn, ignoring his confused yelp as I headed for the docks. Stoping I smiled brightly, pulling him into the beavertail place.  As we ordered, Matt gently kissed my cheek. It was going to be a great day, I could feel it as we made out way back to the hotel.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Laying back on the couch I smiled, grabbing an x box controller before booting up Minecraft. It was one of the few games that I enjoyed that weren't either first-person shooter, or fighting, but that was in part due to the simplicity of it, and the strength of the soundtrack. Booting up my save I gently tapped the back of the controller. I hadn't exactly gotten far enough in my plan to decide what I was going to do, but in the end, I decided that I was going to work on the big house. It was nowhere near finished, I had only gotten the base finished a few nights ago, so it was a good place to start.</p><p>"Lazy day?" Mike whispered, collapsing to the couch next to me. "I heard you went on an adventure last nite."</p><p>"Yeah, I just went for a walk. Jeeze cant I do anything without you lot riding my ass?" I raised, chuckling softly. "But really, I did need to think."</p><p>"Thinking about Nadia?"</p><p>"Yeah, it's still a bit strange between us you know?"</p><p>"I know. Why don't you call her later?"</p><p>"Because she's in Cardiff." I sighed, shaking my head as I worked. "I have no idea what time it is there."</p><p>"You can call her later, there isn't that big of a time difference. I think it will do you both some good. Besides, wasn't it an old friend of yours that took her in? What was his name, Jack?"</p><p>Sighing I saved my game and turned to Mike with a small glare. It wasn't that he wrong, it would have been nice to talk to my sister. It was the fact that he didn't seem to get that I was scared, or just how terrified I truly was. Huffing softly I shook my head. "Mike I don't want to call her today. Alright? I'm just not up to it."</p><p>Mike paused, holding his hands up in defence as I let out a small sigh. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have shouted. I just, can't today."</p><p>"Okay, Josh. Just don't put it off too long, you don't want to accidentally mess this up." He whispered, gently kissing my forehead. As I turned back to my game I watched him head back to the front of the bus. Saving my game I quietly followed, keeping just a bit of distance as to not be caught.</p><p>Entering the sitting area Mike quietly collapsed next to Ian, nodding for Matt to sit as he perked an eyebrow. As he did Mike let out a soft sigh, there was concern in his eyes and I hated it.</p><p>"What's up?" Matt asked, tilting his head.</p><p>"Josh is kind of touchy today," he whispered, running a hand through his hair. "I mean he snapped at me slightly because I suggested he called his sister."</p><p>"I think he's just having a bad day," Ian said, shaking his head. "I think he got an hour sleep last night, at most. Give him some space, he'll probably be a bit better tomorrow."</p><p>"But that's the issue, I don't think he's been sleeping. Like at all recently. He's been just getting one or two hours of rest, then he's up and awake." Matt added. "It's possibly just his insomnia acting up, but this feels different somehow. Like his body isn't sure what it's meant to be doing."</p><p>"We should keep an eye on him, just for a few nights," I suggested, frowning as Matt shook his head. "Why not?"</p><p>"Monitoring his sleep schedule? He has insomnia, he's not a child. He isn't doing as bad as he could be. I know Josh, he's going to be okay."</p><p>"Alright, Matt. I trust you. If you think this will pass, then it will pass." </p><p>Pulling back I headed to the gaming area with a small, slightly cold chuckle. Last night, today, my insomnia. None of those things were the biggest issue. That would go to the depression that was causing all my issues. The darkness that tried to force itself into my dreams at every single waking moment, every single time I thought about even attempting to contact my sister. It hurt, but it was probably best that I kept it to myself. If Matt hadn't noticed, then it wasn't that bad.</p><p>Returning to my game, I finished the framework as the bus suddenly stopped. Yelping I narrowly caught my can of coke, letting out a relieved breath as I made my way to the front. "The hell was that?"</p><p>"Some idiot driver." Ian sighed, shaking his head. "We should be moving soon."</p><p>Nodding I headed back to my game as the bus continued on its way. It was a two-day drive to our next stop and as much as I wanted my friends to be wrong about how bad the insomnia was, I knew I would be playing Minecraft for almost all of it.</p><hr/><p>Waking with a start I gasped, cold sweat running down my forehead as I struggled to catch my breath. My vision was blurry with tears and my chest was tight with all too familiar darkness. Forcing myself to catch my breath I made my way to the bathroom, splashing my face with cold water. It hadn't even been a bad dream, I had no reason to be upset. And yet there I was, struggling not to break down into sobs in the bathroom of a cramped bus. I needed a smoke, I didn't care that I had been fairly clean. </p><p>Pulling the pack I had hidden under the sink I pulled one out, lighting it and taking a long drag. Holding the smoke I was careful to release it, not wanting to alert anyone to my action. It wasn't the worst thing I could have fallen to, and it wouldn't have been the first time me and Matt had the Smoking on the bus talk, but I still felt bad. Perhaps I knew better than to upset my friends, but in that very moment, it was all I could do to keep myself from crying.</p><p> Finishing my smoke I put it out in the sink, making sure to clean it well before I left. Heading to the gaming area I decided to play some Pokemon, grabbing my DS and laying against the couch. Plugging my headphones in I allowed the soft music of Pokemon Platnum to calm me down. I was okay, I was going to be okay. </p><p><em>'You're letting her down.'</em> Cursing softly I shook my head. I wasn't doing anything of the sorts, I was just avoiding my responsibility. Focusing on my game I headed to the gym. I wasn't able to focus for long before the thought returned.</p><p><em>'You're failing your sister.' </em>Shaking my head I turned my DS off. Video games weren't distracting night, but I couldn't snuggle with Matt, he would smell the smoke on me. Stifling a whimper I curled into a small ball. I could hardly feel my body as the darkness tangled itself around my heart.  My mind quickly swapped to autopilot as I made my way to the kitchen, grabbing a small knife and testing it in my hand. Taking a deep breath I pulled up my shirt, running a light line across my stomach. As a small amount of blood ran down my stomach, the darkness eased up and I let out a small sigh. It was wrong, so wrong to fall back to that again, but it felt so good to let the pain out.  Drawing two smaller lines I bit my shirt, gently cleaning up with a paper towel, making sure the bleeding stopped before dropping it and washing the knife.</p><p>Taking a deep breath I returned it to its place before returning to the gaming area and back to Minecraft. It was going to be a very long bus ride if the darkness kept it up and I had a feeling that was just how things were going to be.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Taking a deep breath I made my way to Josh's side, gently kissing his cheek as he booted his game up once again. I had thought I smelled smoke the night prior, but sitting next to him confirmed it. Something happened, and he fell back into his smoking. But then I had also heard the water running in the kitchen. Whatever he was up to, it was not good.</p><p>"Jay. Can you show me?" I whispered, taking a bit of a leap. I wasn't too worried if he had done anything he likely hadn't gone that far. "I'm not mad, I just want to see, okay?"</p><p>Josh rose for a moment before nodding, carefully pulling up his shirt. The marks were thin, fairly small. They would heal fast. Leaning forward I gently kissed them, pulling back and planting a soft kiss on Josh's lips. "Not mad. Heck, I'm not too worried. Sometimes you release, I get that. Just talk to me okay? I know you had a smoke last night. You don't have to hide that from me. I just want to know why."</p><p>"Bad dream."Josh sighed, leaning against my shoulder as he dropped his shirt. "Sorry if I worried you"</p><p>"All good Josh, but really. Why don't you try to call Nadia today? I'll be right here with you, okay?"</p><p>"After lunch. I might attempt a nap later."</p><p>"Good, okay. Do want to have some toast?" I asked, kissing his cheek as he nodded. "Light with butter?"</p><p>At Josh's nod, I quickly made my way into the kitchen, making a piece for him and two slightly darker ones for me before joining him once again. Handing him his plate I smailed as he finished building the roof. It was a simple mention, but it was nice. If Josh was any more money happy, I could see him owning a place like that. Not to brag, or to show off, but because he would insist we all lived there. He would move us near a lake and have us and Social code be one big happy family.</p><p>"Not too much longer okay? I do want you to have that nap." </p><p>"Alright, Let me just save."</p><p>Nodding I watched Josh, save turning of his Xbox before making his way back to the sleeping area. Taking a deep breath I lay next to him, pressing my face into the back of his shoulder. His body was warm, and I quickly noticed his bulge. He was horny, it was admittedly kind of cute the way he flushed as I ran my hand down his chest.</p><p>"Just a quickie," I whispered, taking his cock in my hand. As he let out a trembling breath I gently started rubbing, slowly at first but picking up pace as his breath hitched. Kissing his neck I held him close, kissing his neck as he let out a soft moan. It was clear he was close, that all he needed was a handjob to get him to fully relax. With a small yell of pleasure Josh cane, cum filling my hand as I held his now twitching cock. Kissing his Keck one last time I took a handful of tissues, cleaning my hand and his cock before tossing men in the nearby bin.</p><p>"Thank you." He whispered, curling against my chest and quickly drifting off. Wrapping my arms around him I closed the curtains before allowing myself to fall asleep as well.</p><hr/><p>Blinking awake I smirked. Josh was still deeply asleep. Carefully pulling away I checked the time. It was 10:30, not a bad time to wake up. Considering he was started snuggling at nine that would be another hour of sleep for Josh. Biting my lip I headed to the main sitting area. He was actually asleep, I wasn't going to wake him up. </p><p>"Hey Matt, everything good?" Ian asked, gently placing a hand on my shoulder. "I thought I smelled smoke in the bathroom."</p><p>"You did. He's okay, just had a really bad dream last night that king of fucked him up." I admitted quietly, rubbing the back of my neck. "Try to be quiet okay? I got him back to sleep an hour and a half ago, but he's asleep. I think we should just let him."</p><p>"Agreed," Mike whispered, handing me a cup of coffee. "Hate to think he's smoking again."</p><p>"No, I think it was just a release." I admitted, sipping my coffee." They happen sometimes, never anything bad."</p><p>"That's something at least. Is he going to call his sister today?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm making sure of that. I'm going to be with him for the whole thing so if anything gets bad I'll be there." I responded with a nod. "I just hope it doesn't get to either of them becoming that upset."</p>
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